Battle of the Blockbusters

Drag Me To Hell

Who would have thought that the most socially relevant film of 2009 would come from the man who unleashed Emo-Spidey onto the viewing public? Drag MeTo Hell is a silly, creepy, gross out camp-fest that says more about society with a few bloody noses and flying eyeballs than Crash ever did with its sledgehammer to the face sermonizing. If only Drag Me would have taken it a little further. This is a horror masterpiece compared to the string of watered down chillers and soulless torture porn horror fans have had to choose from over the past few years, but next to Raimi’s delightfully devilish Evil Dead II, to which this new film will inevitably be compared, the movie can come off as utterly safe at times.

The cruelly underrated Alison Lohman stars as sweetie pie ex-farm girl Christine Brown. Christine has a good job as a loan officer, an adorable house, and an even more adorable college professor Boyfriend named Clay (Justin Long, who at 31 is technically old enough to be a college professor, but in no way looks it), her life is pretty much ideal, which is why we all know that a whole lot of horrible is about to happen to her over the next 90 minutes. In spite of being pretty and successful, Christine is also painfully insecure, which proves to be her undoing when an icky, batshit insane old lady (Lorna Raver) arrives at her bank desperate for an extension on a loan that will save her house from being foreclosed on. Desperate to please her boss and secure a promotion that will impress Clay’s wealthy parents, Christine denies the old lady the extension against her better judgment. This decision leads to a much graver fate than a guilty conscience when the scorned woman puts an unspeakable curse on Christine, one that will send her straight to the titular fiery pit in three days if she doesn’t stop it.

This is where Drag Me really gets interesting. The creaky fence theatrics, foreboding shadows and creepy crawlies that inhabit the rest of the film are in no way as horrific as the simple character study at work here. You see, Christine is a nice girl, the kind of sweetness and light goody goody who probably craps Pinkberry and can cure puppy cancer with hugs and kisses, but under this façade of eternal niceness is an a volcano of pent up anger and hatefulness which threatens to erupt the second her life is threatened, you first see a glimpse of it when she promptly calls security on the deranged woman (in all fairness, any normal person would, but not the beacon of saintliness Christine makes herself out to be) and it just gets clearer from there what kind of person Christine is willing to become to save her own ass, and perhaps, you begin to think, she was this person all along. Even the way her usually disguised backwoods accent creeps out when she exclaims is indicative of her hidden self. This is a brilliant concept and it could have been that much more so if Raimi would have really drove it home instead of just hinting at the idea that Christine may thoroughly deserve her fate. Still Drag Me To Hell is a satisfying horror film with plenty of creepy surprises and a smart commentary on how pointless it is to run from our inner demons. Sam Raimi, consider yourself redeemed for Spiderman 3, don’t screw it up.

If this movie were a gypsy curse it would be

The inability to run out of money (with the gypsy forgetting to add ironic consequences) ****

Becoming the smartest person in the world (with the ironic consequence of being hounded for information all of the time) ***

Irresistible physical attractiveness (with the ironic consequence of being irresistibly attractive to only the most unpleasant, least attractive people imaginable) **

Being turned into a tapeworm (that one really doesn’t need any ironic consequences) *

My Rating ***

Coming up... No really!

Summer Movie Extravaganza!

Note: Since I'm assuming most of you have already seen the movies I'm discussing, some of the reviews may contain some very mild spoilers.

Can you even remember a better summer for movies than '08? so much awesomeness shouldn't be allowed to exist in one summer. Of course there was a crapfest or two... or three, but overall this movie season has given us hit after hit. It was the summer of the recast, seeing four different movies put a new face in an old role, and in the Case of the Incredible Hulk the entire cast was traded in, and up. It was the summer of the cape, with the Dark Knight , Iron Man, Hellboy II, and The much improved  Hulk,  proving that Comic book movies need to be taken seriously. It was the summer nobody geeked out over Harry Potter (but did geek out over Watchmen, thank you Zack Snyder). It was the summer movie nerds worldwide have been waiting for. And now that it's coming to a close we only have one question, can it be topped in '09, well if Watchmen is anywhere near as good as it's phenomenal trailer suggests, a good guess would be, yes.

Let's start with the capes.

Iron Man: although the first blowout of the summer is now living in the Dark Knight's shadow, this funny, ambitious, ass-kickathon was the darling of the comics to screen genre for several glorious weeks, injecting some much needed life into the Marvel comics  movie empire as the first Avenger Initiative film developed by the promising Marvel studios. Robert Downey Jr. is perfect as billionaire Playboy Tony Stark who is at once the parrallel and polar opposite of the oft-compared Bruce Wayne. Same goes for the supporting cast, namely Gwenyth Paltrow as the obligatory female lead that for once doesn't feel obligatory. The special effects are dazzling and Jon Favreau's frat-pack sense of humor works amazingly well. This film is proof that a company taking the reins on their own creation can turn out beautifully. Now if only the Spiderman and X-men Series' could be saved.

The Incredible Hulk (major recast 1): Both a bit of a disappointment when compared to the Stellar Iron Man, and a smashing success when compared to it's crushingly boring predecessor. The sequel/remake hybrid The Incredible Hulk averages out to a pleasant suprise. First of all, the look of the special effects generated Hulk, while more of a departure from the comics is a lot cooler, manlier, and as weird as this is to say, sexier than the first film's version. The story is lighter on the psychobabble and heavier on the excitement, and the leads are much more engaging this time around. Edward Norton clearly has more fun with the role than Eric Bana ever did, yet he's still buyable as the vulnerable tortured soul he's supposed to be. Liv Tyler is a little less believable as a doctor than Jennifer Connelly was, especially considering the fact that that husky voice of hers sounds weirdly 900 number in some scenes, but aside from that she's far more lovable and works better as a romantic lead than Connelly. Suffice it to say, she's her adorable self, but never so adorable that she can't be taken seriously. Also notable is Tim Roth, who is very fun to hate as would be villian abomination, and Lou Ferrigno who steps in for two welcome Cameo Roles, as a security guard and as the Voice of the Hulk. All in all the film is great fun, but the best is still yet to be seen from this new franchise.

Hancock: The one total disappointment in the superhero genre this summer earns a comfortable spot in the "what the f**k!" movie category. It starts of promisingly then ends up drowning in it's own stupidity. This kind of movie is far worse than a movie that's all-out bad because we see what the film could have been. What's so sad about it is that is that ultimately it's an OK movie that could have been great. Will Smith gives another excellent performance as the title character, a superpowered induvidual who's attempts at saving the world are hindered by the fact that  he's also a drunk and a menace to society. That changes when he saves the life of a PR exec who promises to repay him by cleaning up his public image. All of this is fine until the movie starts bending over backwards to explain Hancock's mysterious origin, which is never all that relevant in the first place. From here it goes from an inspired satire of superhero culture to barely coherant love story. There's no villian, no grand standoff, and absolutely no point. Why the filmakers went so out of their way to abandon their original vision is beyond anyone with half a brain.

Hellboy 2: The Golden Army (Major Recast 2) The success of Pan's Labyrinth is probably the one thing that allowed this movie to exist. After a modest box office performance and an unceremonious dumping by it's studio Hellboy was probably the least likely film to become a full-on franchise. But Labyrinth's award winning prowess gave visionary fanboy director Guillermo Del Toro license to do pretty much whatever he wanted. With a bigger budget and more freedom, Del Toro has created a thing of beauty. A closer to the comics step up from the already great first movie, Hellboy 2 is the most imaginative and enjoyable Comic adaptation to come around in a long time. The look of it is stunning, the fantasy elements are bizarre and fun and Ron Perlman once again gives a dedicated, charismatic performance as the gruff red guy, while Relative newcomer Luke Goss makes for one super sexy villian. Doug Jones gamely provides the voice for Abe Sapien this time around Selma Blair as Hellboy's love interest Liz is a lot tougher and edgier this time around, and whoever thought of Seth McFarlane as the voice for the haughty ectoplasmic entity Johann Krauss is a genius. Unfortunately the ill advised release date may keep this one from becoming a franchise after all, seeing as it has yet to break even at the box-office but with a movie this awesome it kind of feels like their loss.

The Dark Knight (Major Recast 3): Yes, the hype is correct The Dark Knight is the greatest thing to happen to comic book movies since spandex, it is what many call the catalyst for cape flicks to finally be taken seriously, and rightly so. But is it the most enjoyable comic to movie adaptation there is? No, that honor still belongs to Iron Man. The film is dark, frightening and very, very sad, for more reasons than the fact that phenomenal movie Joker Heath Ledger never lived to see it. Actually Heath Ledger is the most darkly amusing thing about the movie, providing several moments of twisted levity while the very much alive Aaron Eckhart and Christian Bale (in brilliant but sadly underappreciated performances) as Harvey Dent and Batman respectively are easily the most tragic, funny how that works. So, the bottom line is, this is not a happy movie, but unlike Spiderman 3 it knows how to work that aspect to it's advantage. It's effectively message-driven, profound , memorable and unlike any of its peers.  Director Christopher Nolan does so many things right here that it's easy to forget how frustrating he can be as a director. His vision of a realistic Batman causes him to take endless liberties with iconic characters yet some of the gadgets he comes up with for the movie are 100% BS. But that can be forgiven for a film that stays under your skin and on your mind for long after the credits roll. And yes, Maggie Gyllenhaal is better than Katie Holmes.

And the rest:

Wall-E: Okay, Pixar can clearly do no wrong. Wall-E is the enviornmental soapbox movie Happy Feet could have been if it had involved robots... and good writing. This is the kind of message America needs right now, one of hope and faith in humankind, not contempt for it. The story of a lonely robot living on earth 700 years after it's succumbed to enviornmental destruction is a high concept on the surface but in it's essence it's a simple and beautiful love story, Wall-E is a robot content with doing his job on earth, collecting gadgets and spending time with a chipper cockroach, Until EVE, a high tech robot charged with scanning the enviornment for signs of habitability comes along, and he falls instantly and completely in love, an newfound emotion that leads to him to follow her to space, and accidentally help save the world in the process. How such an endearing romance was created between two robots who speak about five words each is mindblowing, and sends a strong if somewhat corny message about how love can save humanity, a message that takes further shape when we are introduced to an idealistic space captain with the most romantic aspirations of a possible life on Earth, including pizza that grows on trees. This is a lovely film in every way. But it's hard not to feel a little sad for the captain, what's going to happen when he realizes that pizza trees don't really exist, I guess the satisfaction of restoring the planet is worth that blow... but still. 

Speed Racer: Just in case you don't remember this collosal failure of a movie (and who the hell does?) it's the Wachowski brothers ill-advised adaptation of the kitschy cartoon series from the sixties. Almost everything about this movie is wrong, from the torturous 136 minute runtime to the narrative abortion that was the script. But the worst  letdown is the performance from the usually capable Emile Hirsh who looks the part in every way but refuses to embrace the cheese that made the original series likable in spite of it's technical lousiness. His perfromance lacks exuberance and fun, making him a chore to watch. The only redeeming qualities are the supporting players who are mostly adequate (except Matthew Fox, who is every bit as boring as Hirsh), and the look of the overall movie. Aestetically, It's joyous and colorful, like the living cartoon it should be. It's certainly pretty to look at, but so is Jessica Simpson and I wouldn't want to spend 136 minutes with her either.

You don't mess with the Zohan: I walked out after thirty minutes. Let's just say there's a moment where Adam Sandler catches a fish with his bare ass. And it actually sounds funnier than it is.

The Happening:

M. Night Shyamalan's film history

The Sixth Sense

                       _

                       _

                         Unbreakable

                                            _

                                            _

                                            _

                                            _

                                            _

                                            Signs

                                                    _

                                                    _

                                                    _

                                                    _

                                                    _

                                                    _

                                                    The Village

                                                                   _
                                                                   _
                                                                   _
                                                                   _

                                                                   _

                                                                    _

                                                                    _

                                                                    _                                                                      

                                                                    _                                                                     

                                                                    _                                                                     

                                                                    _                                                                      

                                                                    _

                                                                    _

                                                                    _

                                                                    _                                          The Happening

                                                                    _                                                               _

                                                                    _                                                               _

                                                                    _                                                               _

                                                                    _                                                               _

                                                                    (somewhere under ground) Lady in the Water

Good news, M. Night Shyamalan seems to be getting back on the right track with The Happening, sort of in the way an honor roll student who gets involved with the wrong crowd, starts doing drugs and flunks a bunch of tests before eventually recieving a post intervention "shows improvement" on a term paper gets on the right track, slowly and precariously, with barely enough of an impression to earn back our trust. The Happening is sort of a darker, less musical version of Little Shop Of Horrors that shoots itself in the foot by trying to be too risky and too safe at the same time. There is something admittedly off-putting about watching people off themselves in the most nonchalant way possible (the grisly effect of a plant based toxin mysteriously being released into the air in order to combat human abuse, yes it's one of those movies) but it's counteracted by so much cuteness in parts that it all seems disconnected. M. Night Shyamalan is known for his lack of a sense of humor, that's not entirely true, he has one, it's just misdirected. In horror, you can go campy or serious, but he never goes far enough in either direction. The overall tone is pretty somber, but silly bits about superfluous cough syrup, Mark Wahlberg's character earnestly talking to a plastic plant, and characters actually attempting to outrun the wind give off the impression that M. Night knows exactly how stupid this all is. So why should we be scared exactly?

Get Smart: More often than not, old TV shows make substandard movies, but Get Smart is an exception mostly because Steve Carrell is so effortlessly charming. He's like the anti-Nicolas Cage, not only is he fun to watch, he never takes himself too seriously and he can make out with a younger woman without it being creepy. Impressive action scenes, witty writing and solid supporting turns from Anne Hathaway, Dwayne Johnson, Alan Arkin, Masi Oka and the rest of the cast make this a perfectly enjoyable popcorn flick.  

The Love Guru: The day you yearn for another Austin Powers movie is the day something went very wrong. Mike Myers has taken a five year break from live action cinema only to bring us one of the most repulsive and annoying characters to ever hit the screen. Where Austin Powers with his elusive confidence and brazen promiscuity was ironically charming (at least for the first two movies), Gutu Pitka is just a creepy, insecure moron in a chastity belt. Even the usually dependable Romany Malco and Justin Timberlake can't save this unfunny peice of crap, which fully believes that two elephants getting it on is the pinnacle of hilarity. Jessica Alba does what she can, but she's not really doing much to prove that she's more than a pretty face. And seriously, we all know that Verne Troyer is short, why are we still talking about it?

The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor will not be reviewed, mostly because I refuse to see it, but it should be mentioned that it is The fourth movie to feature a major recast.

Well thats it for Summer Movies 2008, enjoy the rest of your summer and try to stay away from Disaster Movie... please.

Update...

Does anybody still really care about The Strangers at this point? Didn't think so. But if you must have a rundown, I basically kept sitting through the movie thinking "this is probably scary, but I can't get past the annoying ass teenagers sitting behind me, ruining every potential scare with their clockwork squealing and talking and crinkling of food wrappers." From what I did see though, the cinematography, costume design, score and acting all contributed nicely to the level of creepiness, but the story was nothing special, and I honestly hope the marketing people don't think we're stupid enough to fall for the "inspired by true events," tagline yet again. Overall I'd give the movie  2 1/2 out of four stars, and that's all I really have to say about it. Next up is my summer movie special, which will include short reviews of Iron Man, The Incredible Hulk, The Dark Night, Hellboy 2, The Happening, The Love Guru, Wall-E and possibly Hancock if I feel like it.